Top 5 Regrets of the Dying

Top Five Regrets of the Dying
By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth.

Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of meThis was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honor at least some of your dreams along the way.
From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.

2. I wish I didn’t work so hard

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.
Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends

Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5. I wish that I had let myself be happierThis is a surprisingly common one.

Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.
They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness for yourself.

Redefining Impossible

Prologue: I gave this speach at the dedication ceremony for the council service center for scouting in Chicago. I have been approached by many of my colleagues who where in attendance or heard to share this with them.  In light of the events of the last day, I'm compelled even more to share this with you.

Steve Fossett Center for Scouting Dedication (10/22/11)

Redefining Impossible.

Good morning Ladies and Gentleman: 

Welcome.  My name is Lou Sandoval, and I currently serve the Chicago Area Council

as our Council Commissioner.   I am honored to be a part of this great milestone for the City of Chicago.  Who I am today:  a business owner, a community leader and most importantly an involved parent, is a result of the love and guidance my parents showed me, coupled with the support that Scouting provided during my upbringing.   

A support that reinforced the values learned at home and taught me the awareness that we live in a limitless society. Scouting taught me that if we work hard and put our minds to it-there is no stopping you.   It taught me that a young Hispanic boy from the Southeast side of Chicago could accomplish and redefine what is possible for him.

One doesn’t have to look too far to see the impossibilities facing Chicago’s youth today.  Just in this morning’s headlines: 

12 wounded in Friday afternoon, Saturday Morning Shootings:

-16 year old boy shot in the arm/abdomen

-17 year old girl shot in the leg

-16 year old boy shot in the arm and chest
-20 year old shot in the left arm….

I can go on- but I believe you get the point.   These challenges may seem impossible to our youth.  These are challenges that transcend socio-economic barriers.  These are challenges that occur in many neighborhoods around Chicago.   It can be said that our American Society has failed the youth of Chicago over the past two decades.  I’d like to think that our youth still have a chance.    In a world that continually broadcasts the impossible- Scouting shows youth what IS possible.

Steve Fossett lived that mission until that fateful day on Sept 3, 2007.  A holder of some 115 world records, he defied the impossible.   He redefined possible.    In his autobiography, he credits Scouting as having given him that foundation.  He credits scouting as having given him the foundation that drove him to success in business and his many other ventures in life.    

Now I never had the pleasure of meeting Steve when he was alive, but I’m sure we would have had much to talk about.  As a lover of sailing and scouting- I am sure we would have been able to converse for hours about business, the wind, the sea, the Race to Mackinac (a passion of mine), adventure and about living a life without the impossible. 

That IS what scouting teaches you.  To redefine what IS possible.  In a world that a times seems to work against you, The youth of Chicago need this redefinition.   The youth of Chicago need scouting.

Today we are gathered to honor the legacy of Steve Fossett in the dedication of our new council Service center.  

The much needed remodeling was accomplished through the generosity of his widow, Ms. Peggy Fossett and the Fossett family.    It stands as a monument to redefining  what is possible on behalf of the youth of Chicago- IN Steve’s name.  This new service center will facilitate delivery of the scouting message to all the neighborhoods in our great city.  It stands as a reminder that the youth of Chicago can redefine what is possible, just like Steve did.    

On behalf of the 1000s of youth involved in the scouting program and the 1000s of adult volunteers that support the scouting programs in Chicago, I want to be among the first to say Thank You to Mrs. Fossett her foundation and the Fossett family.   

THANK YOU-  for all whom you have impacted with your generosity and THANK YOU  to all whom we will impact on our mission to redefine the possibility of scouting for the youth of our great City.

Thank YOU for Sharing Steve’s great legacy with us with the hope that the youth of Chicago can redefine what is possible through scouting.

The Steve Fossett Center for Scouting is located at 1218 W. Adams Chicago, IL 60607 or visit www.chicagobsa.org to find out how you can help.

To "DREAM" of catching the bear

A bear had been ravaging the farmer's livestock for the greater part of two years. He would make his rounds at night and terrorize the chickens such that they would not lay eggs for the farmer. The cow's milk production was down because of the fear placed by the nightly visits from the bear. This troubled the farmer because he was unable to make traction with the demands of his customers.

The hunter had tried many different ways to catch this troublesome bear.  He tried chasing it down with rifles, he tried smoking it out of the forest with controlled burn fires, he tried luring it into traps with sacrificed and quartered venison meat.  In all attempts, the wiley bear seem to find a way to ellude the farmer and continue to terrorize the farmer's livestock and impact his farm's productivity.  

One evening, the farmer happened to notice a group of rabbits gathered in a field on the edge of the forest which the bear called his home.  He noticed that the rabbits went about their business gathering food to bring back to their rabbit dens to feed their young.  The farmer had had run-ins with the rabbits in the past when they attempted to sneak into his garden to eat his turnips and dig up his carrots.  He'd solved that problem by errecting a fence of chicken wire which he used to keep the rabbits out of the garden.   The rabbits adapted to the fence in that they found other ways to survive.  They ate the grass in the field that the farmer seemed to not care about.  All the while, most concerned with their existence and keeping out of the farmer's way.

Observing this, the farmer thought- there must be a way to have the rabbits help me with the bear.  After all, the bear is much bigger than they are and they must be afraid of him as well.  If there was no bear- then the rabbits could surely find more food in the forrest that they could live in and I could go on my way producing farm goods that all would have to purchase from me.

So the farmer set out to speak with the rabbits.  "Little rabbits- I am the farmer and owner of much of this land.  I am sure that you have noticed that there is a bear that has been terrorizing the lands.  He is a mean bear and looks to make your life difficult.  He is much bigger than you and will surely look to eat you next and terrorize you like he has my chickens and cows.  My poor chickens and cows have been loyal to me and look what they have- they have a nice barn to live in, plenty of hay to eat and corn feed that I provide.  They lead a comfortable life.  I could provide you plenty of carrots so that you would not have to work as hard as you do eating grass in the fields"  

The little rabbits thought- that might not be bad.  The fields are tough and the hunters look to shoot at us and have killed some of our family members or caged them up.  If the farmer could provide protection we would be ahead our lives would be better.  So they sought to help the farmer catch the bear. 

As time passed, the farmer and rabbits worked to keep the bear in the forrest.  The rabbits would tell the farmer about the bears whereabouts and the farmer and his friends would chase the bear down so that the bear would not leave his den.  The farmer spent much of his time and energy on the Bear and limiting his existence.   This took it's toll on the farmer's land, the fields that the rabbits once ate from.  The grassess of the field grew less and there was less hay to feed the cows.  There was less corn to mash and feed the chickens.  As time went on the cows and chicken's grew less happy with the farmer and his ability to provide for them.  There was unrest on the farm.  The hunters still continued to hunt the rabbits.  This made the rabbits unhappy.  The farmer had taken to not watering the fields and taking care of his crops.  He spent much of his time going to the general store to purchase steel traps and ammunition with which to catch and scare the bear.

Finally the fall came and there was no bountiful harvest to reap.  The fields lay barren with little corn and grass to make hay.  The rabbits while still happy that they were rabbits and pursued happiness in the little that they had, they grew in numbers. They ate bits of grass even though there was less of it to eat. They adapted to their new conditions. 

The farmer obessed with the bear- sought out to devise a plan to catch the bear one last time.  He felt that if he was only able to catch the bear and banish him from the land all would improve.  He devised a plan to set a trap.  A small but devious trap that would catch the bear and show everyone once and for all how this bear was the root of all problems in the land.  So the farmer set out a trap on the edge of the forrest by the river where he knew the bear would come out to catch fish to eat.   As he looked for bait for his trap- he thought of the perfect bait.  I needed to be something small that the bear could not resist.   As he looked around him- he saw the hundreds of rabbits that there now were and thought- I will take a young rabbit and use him in the trap for the big bear. 

So the farmer called a meeting with the rabbits and told them of his plan.  "The trap is a large one but has a small area for the bait" said the farmer.   If we catch the bear and banish him- you can live in the forrest and the berries of the forrest will be yours.   The rabbits while skeptical of the farmer's plan, but they thought of the forrest- there were alot of fallen trees that they could use to live in.  The forrest had alot of plants and tree roots that they could eat from.  If they helped the farmer- this could be theirs.    So the rabbits asked the farmer- "what do you need from us?"  "I need your smallest rabbits to place in the trap it will be best and the bear will not notice it until it is too late" said the farmer.   After much thought, they acquiesced to the farmer's demands and produced their smallest rabbits for the bear trap. The farmer craftily set the trap with the small rabbits.   The rabbits where worried for their young.

Then came the day of catching the bear.  The Bear awoke from his nights sleep and went to edge of the forrest by the river to catch a fish to eat.  As he walked by the area where he trap had been set, he saw the scarred little rabbits in the trap.  He said to the rabbits- "what are you doing in the trap little rabbits?  Who could have done this to you?"  "Please don't eat us Mr. mean bear.  We are small helpless rabbits who are just looking for berries and plants to eat from" said the rabbits.    "I will do no such thing- for we are all animals and we all eat from the forrest and the fields."  said the bear.   The bear went about his way and left the small rabbits in the trap.   During the night- a group of hunters had stumbled upon the trap and took the small rabbits. 

The next morning, the farmer rose early and went out to the edge of the forrest by the river to see if he had caught the bear. The entire rabbit community followed the farmer prepared to claim the forrest that the farmer had promised.  As they arrived at the site, the farmer was dissapointed to find the small rabbits gone but no bear in the trap.    How could this have happened thought the farmer?   The rabbit community was dismayed that their young rabbits had been placed in harms way by the farmer and the bear had not been caught.  "Mr. Farmer- what about our young rabbits and our forrest?" said the rabbit community.  "You have many in your community- they will not be, missed after all- you are rabbits" said the farmer.   "Yes, we are" said the rabbit community and went back to the fields to eat grass.

-The true power for the Latino community does not lie with the farmer nor the bear.  Not with the comfort of the farmer's barn or the fertile forrest.  The power of the Latino community lies in our numbers, our work ethic, our desire to risk all in search of a better way of life for us and our children.   

Dashes of Brilliance

"So once in a while we all have dashes of brilliance. The 'trick' is minimizing the time between dashes."

Porque Tu Vales!

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If only our youth realized this and understood the sacrifices made by the many that came before them so that they might have the little that they have today.  We have so far to go- but I am hopeful that with the work of the committed few our children will seek to value education as the ultimate equalizer in our great country.

"Cuando una puerta se cierra, otra se abre"

The words reverberated for me: "When one door closes, another opens". After a tough day with several challenges, all we can do is hope. It started like any other day, the standard routine: wake the girls up, dress them, take the dog out, hustle out the door to get the girls to daycare. Then back to the office to start my day.

The first hit, came mid-day when took our family dog to the vet. He's 12 1/2 years old and has been sickly for the last three to four weeks. No appetite, sluggish and he has lost his thrive. The vet's words were gentle but piercing. I think Jerry has lymphoma or some sort of cancer. Wow, I thought. What a way to go. After all, he's been a super dog all his life. He's put up with my crazy schedule since he was a pup. This still had a battery of tests to do before a final confirmation, but the sheer impact of the word 'cancer' stopped me. Our time comes eventually I thought. Being all too familiar with lymphoma myself, I couldn't believe the parallel.

So I brought him home and made him comfortable. I headed back to the office. About mid-afternoon, I got a call from my wife. She let me know she had just been downsized. Still struggling to comprehend and accept the earlier news I'd received this one knocked me flat. That's two, I thought. I know this stuff comes in threes. What next?

As I struggled to deal with the load of bad news I got in one day, I reached out to my mom. The only thng she could say was "mijo, acuerdate que cuando una puerta se cierra, otra se abre" (son, remember that when one door closes another opens). The story of my life. I've had a series of closing doors myself. Life's challenges that have you wonder 'why?'. This one was tough. Among all the challenges that the economy is handing me daily, I get this now? Who did I piss off? Why us? What am I supposed to learn from all of this? That fucking government of ours. Those stupid people who took out loans that they rightfully knew they could not pay for. The anger swelled inside of me.

In the end, it was my wife's composure that helped me get it together. She shared with me her experience at the mid-day prayer she participated in. She told me how she prayed for 'clarity in her mission in life'. We got it alright, perhaps not how we'd asked fo it but we got it.

Her peacefullness diffused my instinct to react, to lash out. Natural- surely the immediate thing would have been to fire off. I took a step back. Damn this recession. I dug deep at my faith. Another thing my Mom shared with me, rung true. 'God squeezes you, but doesn't crush you' ( sounds better in Spanish). I guess another way of saying it, is he doesn't give you something he doesn't think you can handle. I've been through alot in my life. Most have. Five years from now, I'll be able to look back and laugh at this time. For now, it was time to jump into action. To work through a list and knock of things that we needed to do to secure our household.

Call daycare, revist our family budget and prioritize expenditures.

When I spoke to our youngest daughter's daycare provider- her teacher shared the same words of wisdom about 'closing doors'. It was a teaser for me. Almost a check in to see if I was listening.

"I get it big man"," I know what you are trying to say" I thought. In the end, It is our faith in god that helps us through these times. I realized that I had to trust that he had my back. That he knew what was best for us.

I had to trust. I had to have hope (not in a man on this planet but) in god.

Show me the way lord...

Our Friend Jerry

I had the premonition that it wouldn't be just your average day. You see a week ago, I made the appointment for today to take Jerry into the Vet. He's been favoring his left rear leg for about three weeks now. We'd noticed an enlarged popliteal lynph node on the leg he'd been favoring. A slightly less enlarged node appeared on his right leg. After a week, the larger node lost some of the swelling. Jerry was still favoring the leg. Knowing all too well what swollen lymph nodes can mean, I placed myself in denial. Hoping that it wouldn't mean what I thought it did. Things got worse when Jerry started to become less active and lose his appetite (something we thought was very rare for him). As the days passed, it became more obvious, something is wrong. Finally last Wednesday, I made the appointment.

I've lost two family dogs in my lifetime. Samson, a loveable mutt that we rescued when I was in eigth grade died suddenly on us when I was in college. He tore off his leash and ran into traffic while my Dad was walking him. I don't know what was worse, losing Samson or the look on my dad's face when he told us. We laid him to rest in my parent's backyard- a fitting rest for such a loyal friend. About a month after Samson died, my scoutmaster's wife let us know about another stray that had been left on her doorstep. He was riddled with fleas when we got him. A candidate for a full on flea bath. Duke was his name. A buff colored cocker/golden mix. An odd combination, but as a pup he was adorable. He quickly grew into the family and became a friend to my Dad. A companion for his daily walks. He lived a long life. Approximately 11 years before he started not eating , losing tons of weight and eventually grew so weak he could not even lift his head. I still remember the day we took him to the vet to have him put down. My dad held him while they injected him. I'd never seen my Dad cry like I did that day. He lost his old friend. He swore then that he didn't want another dog.

I got Jerry from a private breeder in Hialeah, Florida the year before I moved back home to Chicago. Jerry was born in August 1996. I remember the day I brought him home, He was tiny enough to fit in one hand. He's always been a smart dog, he was easy to crate train, and quite obediant. He kept me company during my last few months of living in Miami. When I moved home , the winter of '06-'07, he made the trip up North with me in my car. Because of my travel schedule and the fact that I lived alone, Jerry spent periods living with my folks. He became their dog in sorts, even though my Dad swore that he would never have another dog. When Sonia and I married, he stayed with us for longer periods. When I finally left corporate America in 2005, he became a full time part of the house. To say that he's become a member of our family and my extended family is a gross understatement. He's been all two patient with our girls through their ear tugging and grabing of his stub tail. About two months ago, I came home to find his colored in green and orange washable marker when our eldest daughter Sofia, decided to 'color Jerry'. Our memories are rich in moments such as that.

So it made my trip to the vet all the more difficult, I kept revisiting the moments I've had with Jerry. The walks, the mischievous things he's done. His obsessive compulsive games of fetch. The entire trip to the vet. As I looked down at him in the passenger's seat, he looked up at me with his big brown eyes. I wished he could talk.

Dr. McNamara, was great- as I described his progressive deterioration, she explained her thoughts on it. The words rang loud in my ears: "It looks very much like lymphoma". "We need to confirm, but he has many of the symptoms." she said. She gracefully asked how active we wanted to be. I explained my philosphy on the issue with her. She was very understanding. Basically, we wanted to run as many tests as we had to and fully ID what he had. We preferred to keep the care palliative and minimize his pain. She broached the subject of chemotherapy. As a living will supporter myself, I did not see a need to extend his life for our selfish pleasures. So a poke and a prod later, here we are... I won't put him through pain. But I know what the road ahead may yield. I pray that it will be quick and painless. We hope to make his remaining days with us comfortable and full of joy. The dog joy that only they know. A walk in the park. A bone to fetch. Peanut butter.

We love you Jerry.